07.02.2024

11:18: I feel better. Maybe the weather was the problem, it's really cold again. Who knows> I am a bit more productive today as well

06.02.2024

20:28: I did one big fucking nothing. I want to kms so fkng much

17:02: So far the day was unproductive. Well, maybe a little bit more productive than yesterday. I feel like shit.

05.02.2024

13:03: For the first time failed a class at uni. I am too depressed and apathetic to even care, I barely experience any amotions aside from exaustion (which technically is not an emotion at all). At least, I don't feel too bad about it either and can try to do something about it. I hope I'll get more active, but since noveb=mber I feel awful. But hey, I use this page again!
Maybe, if hypomania will once again start at february or march I'll be good!

22.10.2023

03:06: Was at the reading club today (yesterday?). We've read a fragment from Mark Fisher's book about 'weird". QUite interesting experience, especially because the leader of the club is a video esseist I highly respect

2:47: I am definitely not one of those people who can be productive more than 24 hours and sacrifice their sleep. I feel exhausted and constantly think about sleeping. But public transport doesn't work at night and I stuck at university until 5:30 am. At least I've learnt some interesting stuff about Windows Shell

12.10.2023

14:07: Ok, I need to make a list with all changes I've planned for my website. Here we go

• I have to choose proper layout, lack of structure is annoying
• I have to adapt the project for devices with different screen size. Maybe not for mobile devices, but some of my friends reported problems with scale
• I have to work on accessibility
• I have to work on my project documentation. make a tamplate for posting, make a template for text files/zines

27.09.2023

17:04: Hello! I'm going to reabilitate this place. I have no idea what happend with my mental state when I wrote the last message. Especially because I haven't left the date and time markers. But this is fine.
I have a job now! I am happy to announce that I am now a mentor in course about the Max MSP. Procedural art is cool. Also I've become an active user of mastodon, I definitely like the communities there better and already have met a lot of interesting people

WHO CARE

No Idea: SO. Bitches I'm back. Well, not exactly, but I deleted twitter from my phone and it was amazing idea, I'm way more productive now.
Started playing with some forums, try to give a better look to Agora, created account on SpaceBattles (well, it's waiting for aprove, apparently they have strong rules and security policy, who know?), rigth now working on mastodon account and try to figure out what the heck is Pleroma. Probably will dig deeper in the digital security topic, doxing and etc. Feared for my life and freedom, heh
Have gained weight. Not happy about it even if there is nothing dangerous (yet). Trying to be more careful with calories intake. Started running, fortunetly the weather is finally allows it. Good thing - clothes still fitting. And I kinda stil in S-M measurements

06.03.2023

15:37: Uh, it's been a while, but OK. I forced to create my own artist statement in a short time, and I am panicking, and I don't have a portfolio, and my ideas are mostly queer, because I can't think different animore. And because another side of cyber phylosophy and obsession with science is crypto-faschism

19:29: Hello again. I've started to learn new software, TouchDesigner. Lets hope, I'll make somewhat competent person, even if I won't succes in my major.
Depression is awful. It ruins your life, it makes you sunk, you feel like you're already dead. Since I started to take my bipolar medication I've became more stable, but probably it's time to start AD again, because lamotrigine can do just that much.
Played with neural networks, in non commercial, no stealing way. Created really messed up surrealistic picture with mice when tried to make Stable DIffusion generate me some cancer mice photos for project

13.02.2023

12:59: Wow, plenty of time passed. Huh. The 2nd semester barely started and it's already been bad. I'm tired so damn much.
You know what? My blog can be etirely generated by AI and non of you would have a clue about it.

02.02.2023

14.01: I've thought organization was bad at my previous university, considering how shakky things were with our final theses, but I was proved wrong in last two days, everything can be so much worse. There're so much troubles with study tracks management that I can't count them all. I'm exousted

31.01.2023

23:17: New Achivment unlocked - now I know how create and modify modal windows. Instead creating proper Main Page. Which would be easier

27.01.2023

13:46: I feel better today! A bit. Life still suck and I can't not to think about politic situation, and there is another case of being convicted for 'fakes about army' and 'distabilization of society' which actually means 'couple of twitter and instagram posts'. Sooo, I'm probably going to close my account again even if I was careful with what I write. But I am 'involved in lgbt+ propaganda' so I'm not safe anyway. :)
Oh, and I think to deaw new rats for this website. I like the old with all my herat, by they don't fit 'night' and 'neon' theme

15:58: One work task less! hurray!! I did it!! By the way, WHY word files weight so much, 700Kb, ew. Maybe it's because of one (1) screenshot but still too much

26.01.2023

Exhibition is delayed until March, more time to prepare tho. The second semester is going to start at 6th February, I will be way more busy, huh

I don't feel like doing anything today and at the same time I need to close all the deadlines. I can't say am I tired, lazy or depressed, more like apathetic I think.
Why all posts here are so chaotic and show lack of grammar? Because I suck at english, I stuck somewhere between B1 and C1, some of my vocablurary is definately advanced (in academic way) but any other knowlege I gained from twitter and fanfiction ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
About kaomoji/emoji: I feel like they make me sound more childish which is weird, because being percieved as immature not something I ever wanted. Moreover, not being took seriously is something I strongly dislike, since full responsibility for my own actions I understand as a key part of being free, while "care" or "infantilization" I see as a attempt to took this freedome from me. Also, I think if I didn't try to practive my skills in english or make this website more accesible for other, using russian I would created totaly different percieved personality. I try to get master degree goddamnit, I'm not a middle-schooler or college dropout (not that being college dropout is bad, maybe it's the right way, esspecially with all those power and pressure institutions own)

I wanted to smoke but it's rainy outside. Well, not like this is something able to stop me

2nd mounth of lectures about Art Theory. Borya Klushnikov still doesn't know what hairbrash is. It doesn't matter so, he is cool without it and today we are going to talk about Foucault (Jeez, why his name is so long in english, Фуко is a way better option)

Maybe I need to start write not only date but time of my blog updates as well, it's confusing

FINALLY SOLVED THE CSS PROBLEM, NO MORE INTERNAL CSS

Aaaaaaand, by the and of the day I did nothing. As expected, I've already wrote that I don't feel like doing anything. I tried, but it was useless. Sooo, maybe tomorrow would be kinder for me.

RATS!! Finally, rats for Neon Rat. Maybe they're a little bit out of main theme, BUT!! WHO CARE!!

25.01.2023

Not much to write about today. I am mostly walked and played Katana Zero ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
News suck as always, I have deadlines for proejcts as always, I want to die as always. I am tired of life.

Well, I think about trying to add music from Katana:Zero as soundtrack for this website, or just any randow retro/synth/vaporwave. Or try to create my own music, why not (I tell you why, I have music education but I have no knolege about music theory or music creation and no talent as well)

To think about it, tranparent blocks are my jam. Someone may find it tasteless or outdated (not like anybody here would care about the last one + FUCK MODERN MINIMALISM), but I like it as long as it has proper contrast and color combinations and easy to read

Ok, random trans thought: I am tired that feminism appropriated any discussion of gender. I am not against feminism, I am against cis women (mostly white) being the final judges, I am against "but it's hurmful for womanhood" rethoric, when the topic of being transgender comes up. I am tired of transmisogyny being ignored or treated as secondary problem. At least, this not affect me directly, but still remarkable. My personal issue as agender and ftm is that even the most 'progressive' circles try to put the idea of being non-binary strictly in categories of feminism or femininity, how fem activists try to appropriate discussian of queerness and then exclude queer people from it (lol, I saw large queer fest/public talk (directed again mostly by fem activists) decided to break the agreement with queer fem activists just to invite more well-known cis hetero fem activists infamous for transphobic statements). Ther ARE trans friendly places, events and chats (on undegraud level right now, uh, laws about propaganda, but htey often dominated by transmedicalists who believe in strict gender binarism and assimilation/stealth supporters (oh, yeah, cause assimilation helped us soooooo much so far, nobody ever tried to use lack of resistance to put new restrictions/sarc)

Well, it's MOGAI time now, because russian government is the most inclusive in the world and don't care is your identity 'valid' from point of view of other queer people and starts to chase you the moment you start identify as 'non-allo-cis-hetero'. Lol, even so called 'political lesbians' who usually don't have any attraction towards women and are transphobic scum would be in danger :P What a time to live...

24.01.2023

New day, new me. Since I am going to make this page more public and sare it with some people I already know, I had to delet previous rants, just to not be emressed too much. Also, from now on, I will try to make this blog more thematic.

Thanks to my bro I am also thinking about creating one really specific section in this website, stay tuned
Everything is still under construction and require a lot of job, but I think I got the main concept? I just need to understand why CSS files aren't working, define everything in html SUCKS.

Honestly? I am not a big fun of the idea about the "deep web". Weel, I was amazed when I was 14 or smth, but let's be honest, hte whole idea is based on the concept that the upper layers of the internet are well studied. I saw the crazyest shit ever without even VPN or WebArchive. I saw apocaliptic cults, encrypted messeges or batshit crazy people even at the platform part of the web. Not to talk about all kinds of pornography or Ultra-violent videos. (You know, people from the big worl always make so much noise around even the smallest cruelty shown on video, but apparently all records from the war that now usual part of my reality somehow something not deserves attention. Ig 'It's not a real war' unless it happens in 3rd world country (and you can fullfill your white savior complex with it) or 1st world country (cause now YOUR ass would be in danger))

Honestly? I only start understand how traumatized I became since feburary. And I am not the one under the fire, I am not the one who lost my family, I am not even the one who left the country (not gonna lie, some of them also priveleged assholes and it's tiresome to read their oh so dramatic threads on twitter). But i am the one who panics every time when they see the cops, I am among those who at every moment EXPECTS cope to broke in their places because of innocent posts in social media. Wow. So much fear, so much paranoia, so much hate for every CTV

Some people don't understand the radical philosophers who don't want to assimilate, who fight and speak against every repressive tool of the government even if life is going to be 'less comfortable' without it. THe truth is, DO NOT let authorities care about you in any circumstance, do not let them to possess this power

Yo, did you know that in russian queer twitter 'red flag user'has another meaning? It also describes certain TERF accounts who act as USSR and P*tin apologiests. Basically, tankies? But a bit more dangerous. THey claim to be part of the soc-fem movement, but have nothing to do with that. Sooo, if you have met person with 🚩_number_🚩 - please, block and report them